Competitive Me

I am the eldest of five siblings. My three youngest siblings, two brothers and a sister, all competed in varsity-level high school athletics in at least two sports. I've written about my own athletic experiences before.

In the past two years, two family friends have joined the ranks of Division I NCAA athletics. At least one of my brothers could have played football at the Div. IAA level (probably). When we were visiting with one of these student-athletes, The Boss was singing the athletic praises of his progeny.

At a certain point, The Boss pointed at me and said that I was a pretty good athlete. We both knew that this wasn't the case. I was a pudgy kid growing up and didn't really come out of it until my mid-20s. Even then, in the greatest physical condition of my life, I was not a good athlete. What I was great at was a competitor. I've always been a great competitor.

It's not easy being a competitor without talent. It makes you a terrible teammate. In graduate school I left a shattered Ultimate Frisbee team in my wake. I'll never understand people who like to practice, who want to go out and kick a ball around or have a catch without preparation for anything. You have to practice if you want to be good. If you want to compete, you have to have a certain amount of skill.

But when you're a competitor, losing is not fun. Practicing twice a week in order to get thumped 21-3 isn't fun. I've never understood my teammates who liked to go out there and just run around. If you're not interesting in winning, then why are you playing? Playing a close match and then losing isn't fun, but it's rewarding in the moment. Being non-competitive isn't fun.

A couple of weeks ago, a good friend invited me to play indoor soccer with him. My wife did not think that was a good idea. When we were in college, we all played co-ed intramural soccer on another team that lacked talent and skill. In that league, I got so frustrated on game that I semi-accidentally laid out a opposing player while playing defense. This wouldn't have been such a big deal if that player hadn't have been a girl.

I'm approaching middle age, now. My competitive juices are still high, but the outlets for that competitive drive are reducing. I do not want to be that sad 35-year-old at the YMCA trying to run with guys in their early 20s in pickup basketball games. I'm sure that I'm not alone in this. The drive to compete always outpaces our ability to do so. This explains why golf is so popular with men of a certain age, the free Texas Hold'em tournaments at many bars on Monday or Tuesday nights, and the aged gentlemen who populate so many racquetball courts.

I think this also explains the sudden, runaway popularity of on-line gaming. It's not just college students who are gobbling up copies of Madden 10. A commercial in regular rotation features men in their early 30s unpacking Madden shortly after the game becomes available at midnight (and, interestingly, denying it to one another). One of the features of the last two editions of Madden has been expanded on-line game play. For a small fee, content providers will match you with players of similar skill set for a competitive game. The providers track your ranking and your record. Some services even allow you to taunt your opponent over an add-on microphone headset.

Playing Madden on-line is a fun and frustrating experience. But it doesn't replace being able to actually compete. I just don't think that I'm really ready to hang it up yet. I'll see you on the court at the Y.

Summer Movie Reviews: Bruno

It's difficult to categorize Sacha Baron Cohen. With his combination of completely developed characters and surprise arrivals in real situations, he's been compared to Andy Kaufman. His comedic roles in fictional movies such as Sweeney Todd and Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby suggests that he's a gifted comic actor as well as a gifted, fearless improvisationalist.

The lucky ones among you knew about Cohen from his three-season run on HBO's Da Ali G Show, where he portrayed a variety of clueless characters in white-boy hip-hopper Ali G, Kazakh reporter Borat, and gay Austrian fashionista Bruno. All three have transitioned into feature films, but while Ali G's feature-length 2002 outing was quickly forgotten and remains unseen by this reviewer, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan was an enormous success, making over $26 million in its opening weekend, over $128 million in American box office, and making a gigantic star out of the chameleon in the title role.

The reasons for the success of Borat is a little difficult to describe. Without question, Bruno was a hilarious character, but the most memorable moments in that film aren't the things that Bruno does, but the things that Bruno somehow convinces his victims to do. The genius of Cohen's work here is to hold up a mirror not only to the ridiculousness and close-mindedness of rural, red-state America, but also to turn the same lens on the liberal elites and their seeming willingness to smooth over awkward cultural differences. Borat came out at a perfect time. In late 2006, America had largely turned on the swaggering cowboy image of American foreign policy under the Bush Administration, and Borat seemed to satirize some of those assumptions. Bruno comes out in a very different atmosphere.

While Borat seemed backward, he was largely harmless. He comes from a foreign country that most Americans have never heard of (and possibly assume is made up), and his views seem quaint, like something a particularly senile great-uncle would express. Bruno is, instead, in his late 20s and seems largely economically empowered. He's also very, very upfront about his sexuality.

As with Borat, the plot of Bruno is largely unneccessary and uninteresting. One wonders why Cohen and his collaborators even bother putting together a narrative at all. It would seem just as useful to use the more episodic logic of the Jackass series of films. But, there is a plot, so let me summarize it: After an incident at Milan Fashion Week, Bruno is fired from his job as a gay fashion icon in his beloved Austria. As a reaction, he decides that his best option is to go to America and become a celebrity. This leads him on various adventures, from being an extra on NBC's Medium, to trying to trick former Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul into making a sex tape, to brokering peace in the Middle East. Along the way, he learns an important lesson about life and love.

If you are afraid of the male organ, this is not the movie for you. The first 10 minutes of the film are some of the most provocative and offensive that I have seen in a mainstream picture. Or any picture. It's difficult to get a bead on the politics of Bruno. Bruno is a charicature of the right-wing's view of homosexuality and what gay sex is. If Bruno had been a bigger hit, this question probably would have been discussed more in the popular culture.

When I went to see this film in a local cinema, my ID was checked at the door and again when I entered the theatre. This movie is not appropriate for any children, and it's difficult to understand how this walked away with an R rating instead of an NC-17. Despite the difficulty getting in, my Friday afternoon screening was packed with people. There was laughter in the audience, but it's difficult to tell how much of it was genuine. Bruno is such an in-your-face experience that frequently the only response is laughter, but I found myself checking the reactions of members of the audience more than I have in almost any movie.

Which isn't to say that Bruno isn't a very, very funny movie. The film is at its funniest when Cohen takes aim at those who broker in celebrity or desperately seek celebrity for themselves or others. The standout moments for me were when Bruno speaks to a couple of celebrity consultants on what will be the next big issue ("George Clooney has Darfur. I'm looking for Dar-five."), and a hilarious sequence when Bruno asks parents what their children would be willing to do to get cast in a photo shoot.

My feeling is that America responded with some ambivalence to Bruno. This has something to do with the rank sexuality on display in the movie; something with which Americans continue to struggle with. While America is currently engaged in a deep debate about health care, it's certainly true that it wasn't long ago that the status of America's gays were at the forefront of the debate. Ultimately, Bruno seems much more unfocused than Borat, which seemed to have a clear thesis. Despite this lack of focus, Bruno is a successful, funny movie, that you'll never, ever, ever seen re-run on USA. What's more interesting is what Cohen will do next. His star has risen to such an extent that it's difficult to believe that he'll continue to find willing patsies for his stunts. Lets hope that he continues to find projects, because ultimately Sacha Baron Cohen is a fresh voice in American comedy.

Final Verdict: Better than Pineapple Express but not as good as Hellboy 2: The Golden Army.